"Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, get Sybil to press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are a sociopath, press 666.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's Maiden name.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you are dyslexic, pesrs 9696969696969696.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are schizophrenic, press whatever number the voices tell you to press.