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Thread: Workshop Tools explained

  1. #1
    Senior Member bushboy's Avatar
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    Workshop Tools explained

    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    STANLEY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.

    'F$#KING THING' TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F$#king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    "Always do what you are afraid to do"
    "I can accept failure, but I can't accept not trying"

  2. #2

    Re: Workshop Tools explained

    Love it, I just love it! I had reason to use a F**kin Thing! tool this morning, or should I say 3 of them, and in this case it was not exactly a tool, but a water dispenser at motorway services. 3 motorway services, none of them with any water, so at Heston services the nozzle got flung at quite a speed away from the car withj me uttering those very words!!, it may have detached from the hose and carried on on its travels, I don't know!

    BTW, has anyone got a Phillips screwdriver made by Phillips? Both me and my dad have had our best Phillips screwdrivers for many years, and they're both made by Stanley!!

    I particularly like James May's description of a hammer - the tool of the Pikey!!
    Follow my Avante Build - Target = Stoneleigh 2012 Definitely!!

  3. #3
    ***Euro-Nova Supporter*** Peter's Avatar
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    Re: Workshop Tools explained

    James May should know.
    Also
    Socket spanner, magicly seems to alter size to be just a bit too big or too small for that M8 bolt that should have a 13mm head but doesn't, when you find one that does fit snugly (1/2" AF usually), it rounds off the bolt or nut before spliting and being thrown at high speed in the bin with the usual rendering of ,"F***ing crap tools", which YOU bought of course.

    Standard ISO metric, no such thing.

    Soldering Iron, burns holes, but fails to melt lead solder before melting ajacent insulaton . manages to find the nearest soft object and burn a hole in it, even if you left it in a holder.
    The opinions expressed in my posts may not be made in a sound mind and should be taken in the spirit intended, Jack Daniels is fine.
    Some people see things as they are and ask why? I dream things that never were and ask, why not?” JFK
    Genuine and an original, "Grumpy old mechanic".

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  4. #4

    Re: Workshop Tools explained

    What I find magical about a soldering iron is that it is the only object I know that can defy the laws of physics. when placed in its holder, the heat given off goes DOWN and melts anything underneath it, including bits of Avante! I might leave the scorch marks on the engine lid, like Eric Clapton style cigarette burns on the head of a guitar
    Follow my Avante Build - Target = Stoneleigh 2012 Definitely!!

  5. #5

    Re: Workshop Tools explained

    In deepest Yorkshire we have annoying little things called garage Pixie's (also known as Younger brother or Daughters boyfriend), these little g%ts read your mind while you're asleep and take the exact tool you need the next day, they don't ask or leave notes saying they've got it and hence you waste time looking for something thats actually on its way to Scotland or the Midlands in some sods car boot ?!*.


    Mike.

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